In this week’s MSLD521 blog I reflect on one pre-teen story and one teen story. These events in these stories had a lasting and formative impact on me
and how I approach my work and the teams that I lead. Even though the time of
the events have long passed, these events and learning experiences live with me
today. Thank you for allowing me to share them with you.
Standup to the Bully?
I was never a large boy, but when I fell ill in 1971 in the
2nd grade with scarlet fever, the chicken pox and mumps all during
the same time (I suppose I picked two of the three illnesses up at the hospital
during treatment) I lost half of my already light body mass. I returned to
school after an extended absence and was greeted cheerfully by the entire
class. Things returned to normal except my size. During this time I developed
some very good social skills which I perceive comes easy to me. I did not know
anyone I despised nor did I know of anyone that despised me, which gauging on
how some of my friend’s relationships were described to me was not the norm. This
skill set I found help me avoid confrontations that other children experienced
until one day a best friend took this perceived advantage away from me. He
provided a very valuable learning experience for me that I really had not fully
realized until writing this story about these events.
Four years passed (it is now 1975) and the friendships I
developed became even closer (I think this is about the time the “best friend”
concept began to take hold). One of them, who will call Jim, became my best
friend dating back to 1973. This particular year, we did not have any classes
together and we would only see each other on the way to our next class. Several
weeks into the school year he began to exhibit very odd behavior towards me. As
we would pass, he would not acknowledge my greetings and instead just keep walking
as though he never even seen me. I was perplexed.
Several more weeks passed with the same behavior, so I just
stopped with the greetings and stopped keeping an eye out for him. Sometime in the
spring of 1975 he began coming up from behind me and pushing me. After pushing
me he would take off running. I was confused by this behavior. What did I do to
deserve such aggression? Why me…hadn’t we just recently been best friends?
After a half dozen of these attacks over a couple of weeks I knew that my
negotiating and social skills were being taken out of the picture and made
irrelevant due to the “hit and run” nature of his attacks. It was upon this
realization that I confronted my father with this story. He told me a personal
story that was very similar to mine when he was in school and explained that in
life until you stand up to the bully or he will keep picking on you. His advice
was to standup to what he perceived as a bully (never mind we were essentially
the same size). “Doesn’t matter if you win or lose son. Just stand up for yourself
and he’ll move on.”
This was the first interpersonal relationship crisis I ever
had to deal with and I was going to have to leave my comfort zone to resolve
the issue. My father’s advice sounded like the resolution could come quickly
and I imagined it would be like jumping in the pool when you knew it would be
cold but you also knew that after a few minutes everything would be fine. I
decided to take my father’s advice. The next day at school I waited for him to
come up from behind me again. I pictured myself like a praying mantis waiting
to pounce on unsuspecting pray and this helped to embolden me. I walked ever so
purposefully, with senses peaked. About halfway to my next class I felt a touch
from behind. Before he could push me down, I turned around and threw down not
only my books but a challenge in front of everyone. “You want to fight?” Now I
knew I had him cornered. He had no choice, if he ran the other kids would
ridicule him. I had him right where I wanted him. While the outcome was far
from decided at this point, in my mind I had already won. The struggle ensued
and the students from all around quickly formed a circle around us shouting what
seemed like primal chants “Get him”, “Punch him in the face”. Why else would
people want to see a fight if not for
the primal nature within us? I had him pinned to the ground in short order. My
knees were on his shoulders with his face exposed. I raised my fist to strike a
blow, caged my arm and with all my heart and soul asked him in my most serious
pre-teen voice and eyes wide open piercing into his “HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH OR DO
YOU WANT MORE!” Thankfully he said “I’ve
had enough”. Whalen predicts this outcome “Compared with love messages, fear
messages are far more powerful. People react far more extremely to fear messages.
It makes sense that we would rather avoid harm than seek gain.” (pp. 52-53). I
let him up and waited for him to extend his hand. We walked away. In hindsight
I was the victor and victors should show good will. I should have extended mine
to greet him. Perhaps I was so wrapped up into the relief I felt. The feeling was
equivalent to being “born again”. I did it! My father’s advice worked or so I
thought at the time.
I recently encountered a “bully” at work during a time
where I was struggling to maintain my focus on the task at hand. This bully is
one that likes to stir the pot and agitate which is similar to the push in the
back and run scenario I just described. While we didn’t have a physical
altercation, my survival instincts kicked in and I told him that “I don’t have
time for this…ESPECAILLY FROM YOU!” The results were similar. He left me
alone…at least for now.
In both situations, I achieved the results I was looking
for. But what if…what if there was even a better result that could be achieved.
Sure, I was left alone. But what if instead of being left alone I could’ve had
my best friend back (by the way we haven’t spoken since but recently connected
on Facebook again after all these years!). What if my co-worker and I could
develop a closer relationship? Maybe that is what is fueling this behavior? The
yearning to have a closer relationship and they just don’t know what skills to
use to accomplish their goal? I’ve already reconnected with my schoolmate Jim
via Facebook. My co-worker will be a difficult under taking and may not be a
cost effective endeavor (in terms of how much energy I’ll have to expend) to try
and reach him. He is likely a person McKay, Davis and Fanning (2009) describe
as having a propensity “to keep large parts (of your true selves) withheld.”
(p. 26). “Large parts” is concerning in that for me this paints a more than
average challenge to an already challenging environment. This challenge I may
have to pass on for now.
National Chess Championships 1979
My cousin Steve taught me to play chess
one night when I spent the night at his house in 1974 in Bradenton Florida. I
was 10 years old and in one evening I knew how all the pieces moved and could
play a very basic game with my cousin. I had a natural taking to the game and was
overcome with excitement when I found that one of my neighbors the same age as
me had older brothers who were into chess! His older brothers taught him how to
play and suddenly we became best friends. When we entered High School we joined
the Southeast High Chess Club together.
We
traveled all over the state of Florida playing in high school tournaments, and
while we were not the best players on the team we continued to progress in
skill level. By the middle of our sophomore year we were permanent fixtures on
the starting team and earned varsity letters. During the same period our high
school team became well known across the state as a chess powerhouse. We were
neck and neck with the perennial State Champions Plant City.
That year, 1979, both Plant City and
our school received invitations to play at the National Chess Championships in
Philadelphia. WOW! Did we have some fun raising money for that trip! The school
and our parents were abuzz with excitement too! Our chess coach made all the
arrangements (God Bless Mr. Lippert) and within a month we were off to the City
of Brotherly Love! We were to travel on
Amtrak from Tampa to Philadelphia on a 24 hour trip. Pretty cool for a high
school sophomore right! That is if you stay away from the fish served in the
galley restaurant! I was okay when we arrived at the hotel that evening until I
brushed my teeth. I knew then something wasn’t right. My first match was 8 am
the next morning.
When I woke up the next morning I
was green. I couldn’t keep anything down. How could this happen! My mind
scrambled for solutions. I sent a teammate to find me some medicine to keep
things down. I was determined I was NOT going to lay in bed and forfeit my
first match. This was a once-in-a-lifetime event and I WAS NOT going to give
up. 7:45 time to head down stairs. My teammates tried to reason with me as I
carried my bathroom garbage can with me to the tournament lobby. I checked in
and the person at the check-in table asked me what that can was for. I told him
I wasn’t feeling well and that I needed it “just in-case”. I don’t recall if I
had to use it in front of him, but he let me pass and told me which table to
report to. The lobby was massive. There must have been over 200 tables and I
was a part of this history! I found my table, had a seat and placed my garbage
can next to me. My opponent arrived within minutes and positioned himself at
the table, looked over the pieces and then looked at me as my head rose from
beneath the table. “Are you okay?” I replied “I’m not feeling so well at the
moment but it won’t keep me from playing.” 45 minutes later I had my first
victory! That evening after winning two matches and drawing even with one that
went late into the night (1230 a.m.!), my teammates applauded my effort. I had
garnered the most points of anyone on the team that day (5 points out of 6 points
possible). A sophomore that was literally green! They were amazed…I was
exhausted. This experience hardened my determination to succeed. It isn’t a
pretty story about determination, but it is my story and a story of what I am
about. Never give in and give all to the team! This attitude developed then and
is still with me today. I from this story I have discovered that I have a very
strong “Performance Orientation”. Yukl (2013) describes this as “What you do is
more important than who you are…and individual achievements can be an important
source of status and self-esteem. Accomplishing a task effectively can take
priority over individual needs or family loyalty.” (p. 367). My wife has
difficulty with this because I will put an assignment above family needs (of
course only if they are not urgent), but this is very true to how I approach
tasks.
Before beginning this assignment I
had no idea how rich my pre-adulthood experiences were and I am thankful I had
this opportunity to record them and understand how they have helped shape me
into who I am today. I am learning more every day about myself and all I can
say is WOW! Each day brings new excitement!
References:
McKay, M., Davis, M. & Fanning,
P. (2009). Messages: The communication skills book. Oakland, CA: NewHarvinger Publications, Inc.
Whalen, J. (2007). The professional communications toolkit. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage
Publications.
Yukl, G. (2013). Leadership in
organizations. Boston, MA: Pearson
